Finding the right words to comfort someone who is suffering can feel like navigating a minefield. We want to help, but sometimes our well-intentioned words or actions unintentionally cause more harm than good. Kate Bowler, a historian, author, and cancer survivor, has made it her mission to help people rethink how they approach conversations with those in pain.
Kate Bowler’s Story: A Life Transformed by Illness
In 2015, Kate Bowler was 35, a mother to a newborn son, and thriving in her academic career at Duke Divinity School. Then, she received a devastating diagnosis: stage 4 colon cancer. Doctors gave her less than a year to live.
Her world flipped upside down. The goals she had meticulously planned—earning tenure, advancing in her career, and raising her child—were suddenly overshadowed by the fight for her life. In the midst of chemotherapy, medical uncertainty, and grief, Bowler began to notice a recurring theme: people didn’t know how to talk to her about her suffering.
“Everything Happens for a Reason”—Or Does It?
Bowler’s experiences led her to write the bestselling book, Everything Happens for a Reason: And Other Lies I’ve Loved. In it, she challenges the prosperity gospel—a belief that with enough faith or determination, we can control our lives and avoid hardship.
For someone facing terminal illness, phrases like “everything happens for a reason” can feel profoundly cruel. As Bowler explained, the idea that her suffering was part of a grand cosmic plan didn’t offer comfort. Instead, it deepened her despair:
“What reason could justify this? Why me? What kind of purpose could such pain serve?”
Rethinking How We Speak to Those in Pain
Bowler’s journey offers essential lessons about how to better support someone who is suffering. Here’s how we can approach these sensitive situations with care and empathy:
1. Avoid Trite Platitudes
Phrases like “everything happens for a reason” or “God has a plan” might feel comforting to say, but they often invalidate the pain of the person suffering. Instead of offering explanations, try to acknowledge their reality:
“I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I can’t imagine how hard it must be.”
2. Resist the Urge to Compare or Advise
Sharing stories about others who faced similar challenges rarely provides comfort. Every person’s experience is unique, and unsolicited advice can feel dismissive. Unless asked, avoid suggesting coping strategies or treatments.
3. Be Present Without Pressure
Sometimes, the best thing you can do is simply show up. Whether it’s sitting quietly, listening, or offering a hand to hold, your presence matters. Bowler recalls a friend who would knit quietly at her bedside—no words, just quiet companionship.
4. Don’t Frame Suffering as a Test
The idea that pain or hardship is part of a “divine test” can leave people feeling isolated or judged. Bowler calls this mindset “toxic optimism” and urges people to resist framing suffering as something purposeful. Instead, offer compassion without trying to explain or rationalize the situation.
The Power of Presence
One of Bowler’s most important insights is the value of being there for someone in pain—physically, emotionally, or even virtually. Isolation often compounds suffering, and just knowing someone cares can provide immense comfort.
She encourages people to let go of the need to “fix” or “solve” the situation. Instead, focus on small acts of kindness, like sending a thoughtful message, dropping off a meal, or simply sitting with them during difficult moments.
A Legacy of Empathy and Understanding
Today, Bowler is a cancer survivor, though her journey is far from over. She undergoes regular scans and lives with the lingering uncertainty that cancer could return. Through her book, podcast, and speaking engagements, Bowler continues to advocate for compassion, understanding, and a more thoughtful approach to conversations about pain and suffering.
Her story reminds us that words hold immense power—they can heal, but they can also wound. By choosing our words carefully and prioritizing empathy over explanation, we can better support the people we care about during their darkest times.
What You Can Do Today
- Listen First: Let the person express their feelings without interrupting or offering solutions.
- Be Thoughtful with Words: Avoid clichés, comparisons, or unsolicited advice.
- Offer Practical Help: A meal, a ride to appointments, or running errands can make a big difference.
- Show Up: Presence often speaks louder than words.
Supporting someone who is suffering isn’t about having all the answers—it’s about showing love, care, and understanding when they need it most.
As Bowler puts it:
“You don’t need to fix the pain. You just need to be there.”