From the moment parents decide to bring a child into the world, they take on a monumental responsibility. They provide love, shelter, nourishment, and the tools necessary for their children to grow into capable adults. For many years, this role consumes their lives, as they put their children’s needs above their own. Yet, somewhere along the way, the well-intentioned desire to provide can lead to unintended consequences: grown children who expect this care and support to continue indefinitely.
Recognizing the Line Between Support and Dependency
Entitlement among adult children is not uncommon and can manifest in demands that strain relationships. Dr. Jeffrey Bernstein, a psychologist, highlights that entitled individuals often expect others, including parents, to accommodate their needs without regard for feasibility or fairness. When these expectations are unmet, they may lash out or harbor resentment. This behavior isn’t just a burden on parents; it’s a barrier to personal growth for the adult child.
Take, for example, a woman approaching 30 who felt slighted when her father decided to stop paying her car loan as he prepared for retirement. While this change in financial support was reasonable, her reaction revealed a sense of entitlement—one that overlooked the sacrifices her father had already made and dismissed the reality that his resources were finite.
Why Parents Don’t Owe Their Grown Children
Parents give years of their lives nurturing their children, often sacrificing their own needs in the process. Once children reach adulthood, the relationship should shift. Parents are no longer obligated to provide financial or emotional support at the same level as before. Their role transitions to one of guidance and encouragement as their children forge their own paths.
The mindset that parents “owe” their adult children stems from a misunderstanding of what parenting truly entails. Raising a child involves equipping them with the skills and knowledge to thrive independently—not fostering a reliance on their parents’ continued aid.
Gratitude Over Entitlement
When parents offer help to their adult children—whether financial, emotional, or practical—it’s a gift, not an obligation. Expressing gratitude for these gestures fosters a healthier dynamic. A simple thank you can go a long way in showing respect for their generosity. Conversely, taking such help for granted risks creating resentment and weakening familial bonds.
Recognizing that parents have already fulfilled their primary responsibilities can help adult children shift their expectations. It’s time to stop taking and start giving. As parents age, they deserve to enjoy their lives free from undue stress or financial strain caused by overbearing demands.
Supporting Parents as They Age
Parents grow older with each passing year, and their capacity to offer support diminishes over time. Instead of burdening them with continuous requests, adult children can strive to ease their load. This might mean helping with household tasks, supporting them financially if needed, or simply being present in their lives.
Imagine a family dynamic where the roles of care and support gradually reverse. In healthy relationships, adult children step up to assist their parents in their later years. This doesn’t just strengthen familial bonds but also ensures that parents can enjoy the fruits of their labor without unnecessary worries.
Breaking the Cycle
Independence is a cornerstone of adulthood, yet many people struggle to embrace it fully. Breaking free from the sense of entitlement requires self-awareness and effort. It means understanding the difference between asking for help occasionally and expecting it as a given. By fostering independence, adult children not only respect their parents but also grow into more capable and self-reliant individuals.
The Takeaway
Parents give their children an invaluable gift by raising them and equipping them for adulthood. That gift doesn’t come with a lifetime warranty of financial support or unending availability. As adults, it’s essential to remember that parents don’t owe their grown children anything. Instead, cherish what they’ve already provided, show gratitude for their continued presence, and make efforts to support them in return.
This shift in perspective isn’t just about fairness—it’s about cultivating a healthier, more respectful relationship between generations.